Listening

“Most people like to talk, especially if you let them know you’re interested in what they’re saying.”

I was planning to write a post on listening when I came across this statement in a book. It seems a good way to start the post.

Listening, I have realized over a period, is one of the most important things in life. I now understand the importance of being a good listener as well as that of finding someone who would listen to you. I am not sure how good a listener I am, and would let others comment on that. But one thing I would say, I try my best.

When I talk to someone, I would obviously like people to listen to me. In general, they would seem to. However, the general person would really be interested, if there is something in my words that he could gain from. I am not complaining, it’s rather fair.

Some would say that the listener should really be interested and not just pretend to be. To me, even pretension would do, until the time it is good enough to hide any major apparent disinterest. Even if the other person is less concerned but cares enough and makes an effort to hide that feeling, I think some credit needs to be given.

The importance of fillers such as “hmmm”, “uh-huh” etc. and body gestures like nodding of head etc. goes without saying. But an excess would do more harm than good.

One tendency that I have, and I think many have, is to take a point from the speaker and either give my experience with a related topic or share my view. Though this might indicate that I was listening, it might seem interruptive at times. The speaker might not mind that most of the times, but sometimes it might get quite irritating. I believe, that the listener should talk as little as possible just to keep the conversation on track and productive.

When listeners show full interest when the speaker is speaking, and start with their own stuff as soon as that person gets done, it might not feel that there was interest in the first place. Though there might have been, but it feels that it was pretense. The speaker might cut short things that were to be shared. This might happen when both the speaker and the listener have something to share (and both consider their stuff important). Well, this is also the time of examination for how good a listener you are.

Finally, the significance of silence cannot be forgotten. Though one might feel that if everything gets spoken clearly, it will lead be the best. Nevertheless, the power of silence goes beyond, at least some times, any spoken word. Actually, one might not realize how much silence communicates.

Mail adieu

With writing of formal mails

Came the confusion regarding how to end them

What if the ending, to convey the message fails?

How much does it matter for it is more of just a hem?

In school we were thought to end a letter with “Thanking you”

Or may be a “Sincerely yours” or “Truly yours” would do

Shouldn’t those be reserved for people few?

And shouldn’t each mail have customized endings to bid adieu?

With all those questions in mind, I started my experiments with the word

To be safe, only attempted those tried and tested by some other

Though somewhere at the back of my mind I wanted to stand out of the herd

Without creating for myself any unnecessary bother

I never quite got the funda of “regards” as the end line

For me it was meant for someone I wanted to honour

But I found others using it for all their mails well and fine

Somehow that word I could never garner

I finally ended with the word “Thanks”

Don’t know when but have stuck to it upto now

Many say when in doubt this is the word everybody banks

I use it almost always, sometimes without realizing when and how

Add to it a “much” or a “many”

And may be in the next line, your name in the appropriate form

You could suit it to situation any

And could get rid of the repetitive brainstorm

Concern for someone

People are different. Some take too much tension about everything. Some are not perturbed by the biggest of things. Both have their own reasons for behaving the way they do. Some people remain concerned about humanity at large. They get bothered for people they do not know that well once they get to hear about their predicament.

Here, I want to talk about an individual (say, A) getting concerned for some particular person (say, B) and willing to do anything for B. This may or may not come naturally, but the result is the same. I want to talk about the concern of A which is selfless; where A does not want anything from B, or wants almost nothing as compared to what A has done for B; where one starts wondering how such a concern from A can exist etc.

The triggers for writing this post came from multiple sources, but let’s not get into that.

I just came to know that someone is giving his kidney to his wife having issues with her kidney. I just started wondering how many people exist who would be willing to do so; may be many; but that does not make less the act this person is doing. It is very courageous on his part. I am sure his wife would have done the same for him, had she been in his place. It is only because of the mutual concern that they share that they would do this. Of course, this may seem to come automatically as they are married etc. If that’s the case, it is the institution of marriage that deserves a salute.

This concern may exist at so many places, in so many relationships. I have seen the kind of concern I want to talk about so many times in my institute. I want to share two examples here:

We have this mess and in the evenings we go there to have some light snacks and some tea or something. One evening when my friends and I were having this supper, unfortunately, a glass of tea slipped from a girl’s hand. His boy friend who was sitting closeby just didn’t knew what to do. He pulled out his handkerchief and tried to give it to her so that she could use it to wipe the hot tea that fell on her. His inability to help her more than this was quite apparent on his face. His concern for her situation looked so natural. He seemed to curse himself for allowing this to happen (though there was no fault of his). Their other friends were also obviously worried but there was a marked difference (which is completely fair).

The second incident is about my friend who is concerned about his own academic performance but more worried about the performance of one of his good friends. He studies hard so that he can help his friend with studies and I believe that he would not be studying so hard if it was not for that person. He tries to discuss subject contents with many people so that he can understand things better and explain it to his friend. He gets concerned if his friend is unintentionally missing an opportunity to study and understand things in a better fashion. He starts trying to reach his friend so that he can inform. I only have seen his concerns related to his friends’ studies and so have mentioned only about them. I am sure the concern spans more fields apart from this.

My only concern is whether this friend of his sees and recognizes and acknowledges this concern. I don’t know if my friend wants his concern to be acknowledged or not, but I definitely do.

Observations and deductions

Some things which I really found as if coming from day to day observations

1. ‘Familiar Stranger’ is a concept given by Migram. He says to be a familiar stranger, a person has to be

a. observed

b. repeatedly for a certain time period

c. without any interaction

Milgram notes that it’s a real relationship, in which both parties have agreed to mutually ignore each other, without any implication of hostility.

2. Somebody said “I don’t remember anybody’s name. How do you think the ‘dahling’ thing started?

While there are some other things which may not be so easily observable or apparent but which have been deduced over a period of time

1. An interviewer generally tries to choose/select someone like himself/herself.

2. What to do when you hold a stock and daily it is hitting upper circuits? Keep holding it till the volumes are low. If the volumes get high, exit.